Not Owning Selfish

i'll be the first to admit, i probably need to let a lot of stuff go. much like the clothes in my closet, i need to pull everything out and be honest about what does work and doesn't, and anything that doesn't needs to get tossed. i've been doing this somewhate emotionally, but i got stuck on selfish. i've been called selfish, and really, i just don't se it and i'm not owning it. there are absolutely times when i have acted in a selfish way, but i think we all do at times, however, my general characteristic is not one of selfishness. i don't yell on a mountain top the personal sacrifices i've made, there's no need to for me, i did them because that's what needed to get done, because some aren't aware of those sacrifices, i'm not going to allow myself to feel victimization by not being understood and classified as selfish because i think differently than others.

yeah yeah, i'm a slacker

so i haven't posted since dec...that kinda sucks. i still don't really have anything to say, i just want to stop ignoring the fact that i have a blog. i want to write and express myself, but apparently everything has to happen through the filter of not offending people. i'm sorry, i'm kinda offensive. i have a real asshole side that i need to be able to let out at times, so i can go back to kumbayaing. so hello world. i'll try to do better :)

Me & My Daddy Issues

I find it somewhat ironic that i'm writing this on the day following my Dad's birthday...but let me even clarify that statement, when i say "dad" i'm referring to the person my mom married who raised me from the time i was 9.

This post is prompted from me reading about Molefi K Asante Jr, son of Molefi K Asante, basic founder of Afrocentricity. I was reading about how at 25, he is a great filmmaker, author and proffesor. He went to college in London, and has been able to work with all these classic African-American icons. The fact of the matter is, he was able to do all this in large part because of who his father is. This is the type of life my brother and sister will have. My brother and sister who are raised by my father, the person physically responsible for my existence. He and my mother split when i was two, so i missed all the influential years. My father is completely self made, raised in one of Philly's roughest sections, he now lives in the DMV suburbs, in a house that was built specifically for him & his family and drives a cayenne. He's a professor, does business consulting and has his own private equity firm. I am more proud of all that he's accomplished, than i think he could ever realize, but the fact is, he will be able to provide a life for my brother and sister that is financially far beyond anything that would have been possible for me to experience growing up. These are the connections that seperate those with dreams, from those with possibilities. My brother and sister have the world as their oyster and are able to have daily conversations with individuals the world over who affect whole groups of people. this is what they were born into. I was born in a hospital in west Philly that doesn't even exist anymore. My mom and dad clearly provided everything they could for me, but there are basic economics. I got accepted to NYU, but went to Temple, of course it's a great school, i loved my college experience, but it's not NYU.

I guess i just feel like i'm missing something. I have dreams of changing the world, and clearly if my father can do it on his own, i can to. But it hurts me to my core to know that i'll have to, when my brother and sister won't. It's the epitomy of that saying "so close, yet so far" and i don't know how to handle that, what i'm supposed to do with it, if anything. I'm tired of saying to myself that i'm going to be successful, despite certain people. I want to be successful because someone saw something in me that said i was worth helping, i guess because that's how i look at people, and everyone is worth helping if you are able.

We've Got to Save the Children...

This random not so random thought is brought to you by a conversation i had with my mom (as a lot of my random thoughts come that way).

My mom was telling me about a conversation she was having with a pregnant coworker about having a child. Mom told the coworker that having a child will change your life. When she said this, other coworkers within ear shot started moaning and growning about sleepless nights and never being able to go out anymore, etc.. But my mom said, no, you don't know what it's like to really experience the love that you will feel towards a child and how that will fill your heart. At this one of her coworkers chimed in "yeah, she always calls her daughter beautiful when they're on the phone and tells her she's wonderful" (blushing). But following this, the coworker said that she was going to start calling her own daughter beautiful, the same way she calls her son handsome (this is not the post where i talk about the devaluation of girl children - that'll come later). So as i thought about this change in her coworker's actions from my mom's example. (my mom is the best) i realized that the problems we see in our children's behavior, starts with the love they are or aren't shown throughout their development. Something as simple as telling your daughter she's beautiful and loved on a regular basis, can make all the difference in how she sees herself, and some of the situations she will allow herself to get into. Telling your son he's brilliant and has a voice, could be the factor in him being a productive citizen or following some scumbag into a life of crime. it's something to think about. if you do these things great, if you don't, why not start, and encourage other parents to do the same. love is stronger than lies.

You've Got the Look

I will be the first to admit, i've got issues, and pretty high on my list of issues is the pain i feel from men, especially black men, who will trample over a regular brown skin woman like myself, to get to the light skin, curly or long hair woman with mixed ethnicity features. When i say trample, i mean that litterally. I have always had friends that fit the light skinned, mixed ethnicity description, clearly, they can't help, nor should they be blamed, for their genetic inheritence, but i have been out with these women and had guys practically ask me to hold their coats, so they could talk to my friend. Really, it's just painful to have it constantly reinforced how beautiful you aren't in the eyes of people that you most want to see you as beautiful. As a potential friend, not just a work horse. I can tell myself i'm beautiful all i want, but if everything outside of my skull says something else, how is that message reinforced?

Ain't I A Woman...

My husband and i spent last night "discussing" feminism, in person and through fb, based on one blog about black male priviledge, that my husband felt was pandering to women and another blog about the Rockefellers Re-engineered Women, that i found presents a very narrow view of womanhood. For your own info, both posts can be found here:

http://jewelwoods.com/node/9
http://www.savethemales.ca/001904.html


I was raised that a man (if you have one, and a real one at that) should be the head of the household. But i was also taught that women control the emotional stability of the household. Now that i have a family of my own, my understanding of this is that men, as more physical creatures, provide the physical security and protection of a home, while women, as more emotional beings, make sure that inside of the home is an energy condusive to nourishing life and promoting growth.

This to me is balance, just like you can't have a sports team where everyone is good at one thing, to have a successful family, i think the differences between you and your partner should be seen as strengths, ways in which you can cover each other's backs. I think my problem is i want to much. I think i'm asking too much for a nurturing love from a man, when that's not where their strength is. I can't expect men to have the same conversations as women, because we are different. As my husband said, i deal with this constant inner conflict of wanting the man to be head of the household, which puts him in a physical position, and also wanting him to be sensitive to me as a woman. You can't always have things both ways. I think women need to do some soul searching and decide what the role is that we really want the men in our lives to play, and stick to it. I firmly believe that if you hold people up to standards, they will rise to the occasion - or go away completely, which is fine because you don't need dead weight. But in making the decision of where we want our men to be, we need to make sure we are prepared to offer the best of ourselves and fulfil our roles also. Life isn't a one-sided show.

The Art of Friendship

I will admit, this concept of "friendship" is something i feel like i struggle with. But in this admittance, i completely acknowledge that these are self inflicted struggles. Life for me is a constant battle of not thinking i'm good enough (i suppose i'll elaborate on that at a later time), so of course the negative thought carries over into how i see myself maintaining (or not) my friendships.

I think most people see me as a social butterfly of sorts, in terms of the amount of people i know and activities of my past. I spent my whole 20s doing videography, writing/performing and organizing parties, events, major tours, etc... and as a result, i've met a bunch of people, in addition to the people you generally meet through friends and family. But now that i'm in my thirties, most of the other activities have fallen away and i strive to focus my energies on raising my son and the wonderful man that puts up with me and all of my madness. However, i still long to have friends, people outside my household that need me. Someone that i can call when one of my cooking experiments goes awry, or i start beating myself up for not writing in the blog i was determined to have, for a week. I'd like to have girlfriends i can call up and say, hey let's go out! and they say yes, just because they enjoy spending time with me. Or friends that make sure i get invites to their social gatherings, birthday parties and such, because, again, they enjoy being in my company. Back to my original statement - i know, these are my issues, there is nothing wrong with the friends i do have, they are great people, but me being me, i always want to know what i can do to make the relationship better. I want to go from a C list friend to an A List friend, and i'm not quite sure how to make that happen.

Taking matters into my own hands, as opposed to sitting around pouting about the situation, i am reaching out to people more. Lately i've started going out again, i really enjoy performing my work, and i found out last thursday, that i'm much better at it now :) So in order to have friends, i'm trying to be a better friend, and not so much of a hermit. When you invite me to your event, i promise i will come, or if i can't, i will absolutely let you know. If you call me, i will call you back (though you'll probably get a quicker response through text or email). Be patient with me, i'm just relearning this dance.